trade organs for oceans

Dear K-

I slipped off the map again for a while. For some reason, despite the warm weather, my confidence took a dive and I had a series of days where I couldn’t bear to make eye contact with anyone. And so I measure my days by my footsteps, focusing on the laces of my shoes, content to hear a voice but not address the eyes. I suppose when I’m done with school and I am a licensed doctor I will have to be able to stare people in the face and speak plainly. But for now I am content to look at my hands fumble with the dilating drops as I explain “this might sting for a few seconds”.

The warm weather has got me anxious, eager to move on to the next stage in my life. It also has me drinking a lot more. I still am not feeling well, and neither is my mother. My father is old. People come into our practice every day and occasionally a few weeks later I receive notice that they have died. I suppose it shouldn’t shake me up so much. As Kurt Vonnegut said, “things die. All things die.” So it goes. Someday I’ll be old and grey and I hope I can look back on my life and not only feel no regret but also feel content with what I have accomplished.

I am sorry I cannot come visit you anytime soon. It makes me anxious and that makes me feel worse, and I apologize for my neurotics but I’m not sure what else to tell you. I take full responsibility for my tattered nerves. Maybe once I am feeling better (if I’m ever feeling better) we can get a visit worked out. But for now I am not allowed to drive long distances by myself.

Waiting for blood to flow to my fingers,
-K

The Hollow Center Of My Torso Calls Me In From The Dark

Dear K,

Spring is coming soon, I can feel it unfolding, right there in the hollow behind my navel where everything is felt before it happens. I feel it.

I know that we're going to see each other soon. I can feel that too, in the empty space in the middle of my torso. I cleaned my apartment tonight, and I thought about whether I was going to let you have the bed while I sleep on the air mattress. I haven't decided yet, because my bed is really comfortable, and it is actually the main reason I'm not homeless and on a never ending bicycle trip around the country.

I feel like such a fool to fall prey to the seasons like I do. I'm starting to fill up with hope, and that's a foolish thing to do. Every spring so far in my life has been filled with failures of every sort. I feel like the Cubs at spring training, maybe this is my year, and we won't know until October that I've wasted another precious season.


I hope flowers grow around you soon. And I hope that the birds come back to sing through the gentle quiet rains. In the end I hope you run in the sunshine and forget all that trouble snow.

As for me,
We'll see how everything shakes out in October,

-K