penniless patron

K-

So much has happened to you. As much as I know it is terrible to say it, I am actually glad to hear you’ve broken a few hearts. I don’t necessarily think it is a good thing to hurt people, but I think that it is also inevitable in the dating world these days to let someone down. It also shows you how it feels to be on the other end of that relationship. You know my story, you know I’ve ripped out the hearts of boys at times without even batting my lashes. But now when I look back on those moments I cringe. I wouldn’t play it out differently, but it makes me realize that I am not a nice person. Sometimes we get backed into corners and like a frightened animal we lash out, just looking for an escape. We don’t know what we want, but we know it isn’t this.

But so now you’ve found a new love, eh? It sounds like you have similar spirits. If she makes you happy, then I am happy. Just make sure she’s happy. Never take her for granted. Always respect her. Amen.

I’ve been reading lately about people who quit their steady, respectable jobs in order to travel around the world. They were admitting how social media glorified their decision and hid some of the travails of their “freedom”. If you looked at their Instagrams or Facebooks or what have you, every week would be a different photograph. Something beautiful. Something that make you suck in your breath and wish. They were doing yoga on a beach at sunset. They were standing in bright yellow rain slickers on a blackened rock on the rugged coast of Ireland. They were wandering down a narrow cobblestone street between brightly painted buildings exploring crowded market stalls. Everything seemed so lovely and carefree, it made the viewer wonder why he was content to sit in his office all day tapping on a keyboard when there was such a world waiting to be explored. But the travelers admitted that their carefree lifestyle wasn’t as easy and beautiful as all the pictures made it seem. They scrounged for cash, doing odd jobs like scrubbing toilets, spreading manure, sorting cans. Sometimes they could only afford to buy floss and no other toiletries. They admitted that several times they broke down in frustrated tears, worried about where they would sleep tomorrow and whether they’d be able to eat. But at the end of it all, they were free. They said they wouldn’t have it any other way. So, I guess, in a way, I can understand your sentiments.

Some days I don’t want to go to work at all. I arrive in my office and I want to just go immediately back home. I glance at the schedule and wonder which patient today will make me feel like a sham. I miss the days when I could sit in coffee shops and read all day, without worrying about the work I was putting off or how I should be more productive with my time. My biggest frustration of those days was simply finding the quietest spot in the café and hoping no one would disturb me and that the espresso machine wouldn’t stop working half-way through the day.

Let me know where your travels take you. I am slightly jealous, in a way. I think if I didn’t have this looming, terrifying burden of student debt hanging over me I would leave my job. Or at least work less days a week. Maybe find something more fun to do on the other days. Something that I could do without worrying how much I got paid. Something I could just do because it was a fun distraction.

Maybe I should start writing a book again, too. Who knows.

All the best to you and your new adventures.

-K