i get world sick

Dear K-

I tried to take your advice. There used to be such a fire in my life, and I used to feel like I was somebody. But lately I have felt empty and dull like a light bulb with a burned out filament, although still warm to the touch, hinting at what used to be, I no longer radiate with such ferocity and intent. Wasn’t I the one who came from an asphalt cradle and chewed batteries as a teething ring? I used to fight, I used to feel a purpose.

This weekend I tried to fight again. I didn’t want it all to fade away from disuse and neglect. I canceled my plans and drove out to see my love. But it was already too late, and he was no longer in love with me. I can’t accurately explain how it feels to sit in a room with someone who won’t look you in the eye, knowing what they are thinking but are too cowardly to admit. The love is gone. Every action brought his anger; even comments that used to be jokes were suddenly uncalled-for insults, and every footstep I took was on the wrong soil. I tried to fight, though. I bought him dinner, cooked him breakfast, smiled at him and held his hand in public. I tried to do everything I thought I should to keep him. But it was too late, and instead he just used me. When it came time for me to load my suitcase and drive away, he wouldn’t kiss me anymore and I left him there, lying on his bed and reading a book of poetry.

It’s over. As much as I wanted to turn left and continue on with him, I went straight. Maybe this was my psych-out maneuver. Everyone believed I was going to turn left- hell, I had even convinced myself, but in the last moment I realized that was not the correct decision. I have to go straight. We have to split our paths.

So now, I have a new bag of memories to pull out in the springtime when I feel nostalgic. There are no regrets, but I do miss many things. He was part of the reason I chose America, and now I’m floundering here alone, rejected, and confused.

As you said, every morning the sun comes up, and every evening the sun goes down. Let the sun make a few more cycles and I’ll begin to feel dull again and it will be okay. Eventually I will look back and perhaps I will say, “That was a fun time, but I made the right choice.” Perhaps I will always wonder what life would be if I had turned left. But I can’t dwell on that. There are new adventures ahead, and soon I will stumble upon them. But for the moment I must spend a few days dragging myself forward, forbidding myself to glance back at that fork in the road, letting the side of my shoe scuff the dirt up in scattered clouds because I don’t want it to settle because I can’t settle. At least, not yet.

At a steady pace,
-K