zugzwang

Dear K-

I’m sorry to hear of your loss. I know that’s what is always murmured when one loses a loved one, but I mean it sincerely. I am sorry.

I haven’t been around lately, even though I haven’t gone anywhere. I’m just not here, in the sense of that I am not really living but I am merely killing time. The days have been like leaves, and I’ve been watching them slowly turn and wither until they drop away one by one into the muddy creek bed below. But what can one do when one knows she inevitably must up and move again. No point in drawing connections, no point in looking to join any clubs or organizations, no point in tying yourself to anything here. Just live day to day and do your job well until the day you leave.

Sometimes I think about death, but I try not to do it often. More frequently I think about aging and that actually tends to upset me more. Every day I see patients who are reaching the end of their lives and they tell me how they don’t move fast anymore or they aren’t happy or their spouse is gone and it’s lonely in the nursing home. They tell me about how everything I have and enjoy will eventually go away: your mobility, your independence, the people you love. It all goes away. I hold their hand and I feel their weight sway hard against my forearm as I help them walk about the office. Usually I have to stoop over to support them and they comment about how I won’t be so tall once I begin to age and I won’t be able to wear heels anymore. Sometimes when they press against me I feel like they would collapse, their bones would crumble into dust were I to step away and let go. To think that someday I will be in that state is incredibly upsetting. I try not to imagine how miserable I will be when I am old.

So perhaps, in a way, maybe some people enjoy death. Maybe they prefer it rather than to postpone the inevitable and prolong the pain of being alive. That being said, I’m still sorry for your loss. I still imagine most people would prefer not to die.

Try to stay on solid ground for the next few days. Don’t tread on soft soil.
-K