and i am not singing for you

Dear K-

It is hard to accept getting older. The act of getting older, in itself, is really quite simple. But coming to be able to accept that there’s nothing you can do to slow time, reverse it, or alter it in any way, shape, or form can be an incredibly frustrating concept. Even with everything I’ve been through, I don’t think I have any regrets. I am the person I am today due to a very complex and muddled sequence of events and experiences, and if I were to trade any of them, even the miserable ones, I would not be the person I am today. I don’t know, maybe I would be better, but perhaps I could be worse. Maybe if I hadn’t spent the summer of my freshman year in a musty hospital ward, tied up to computers and heavily medicated with the prediction that I had 2 weeks to live, I would probably be a different person than I am today. Even though that was probably one of the lowest points of my life, it gives one a pretty fantastic perspective upon the things that matter most. I had two weeks to live. I was given a second chance.

I should possibly apologize for the last response. It was uncharacteristically enthusiastic and optimistic for me. The truth is that I found a purpose in this crowded city and it made me feel good. It felt good to feel loved and to be attracted to someone, to feel like I found a person who synced well. When you called me, I had to excuse myself before the full extent of our conversation, because I was meeting him. I believe what I like the best about our meetings is that we can either have stimulating conversations or are content to sit quietly with our own thoughts. The words are not forced; there is no fear of silence. That night we spoke of circles. He argued that circles do not exist. At first I supported the contrary, but by the end of the night I am certain that I have never seen a true circle. Circles do not exist for me anymore.

And so it goes.
-K