clockdial refraction

Dear K-

You told me to get it together. I thought I’d give it a try. When I feel rejected, alone, or bitter, I tend to do what I do best: retreat into my work. I slipped out of clinic early today to establish myself at a café and spend a few hours preparing for the exams to come. So here I am, alone, perched on a stool and watching pedestrians sprint through the rain outside as they get unexpectedly caught in the spring downpour. My notes are spread out before me and I have already pounded through a few lectures. But the productivity isn’t bringing enough satisfaction to fill the stale, hovering dullness that aches within me.

It was good to hear your voice yesterday. The rest of my night progressed rather smoothly, coasting on the enjoyable conversation. Unfortunately, with the heat has returned my insomnia, and I spent most of the night lying awake on starchy sheets listening to the hum of electricity and mulling over the decisions of my life.

I am dragging along. It is frustrating because I know I should hold my head up and realize that things are actually quite good: I am in a prestigious program and working towards a potentially prosperous future career, I am surrounded by friendly people, the weather is warming up and the flowers are starting to bloom. I spent a summer with my heart hooked up to computers with doctors telling me I had only weeks to live- this should seem like no real misfortune in comparison.

But then why do I still feel this way? Am I trying to hold on, trying to keep myself from forgetting what it’s like to feel loved, rather than moving along and shrugging off the disappointment? I’ve made it this far- can I not hold out for one more week? But what if after a week he’s not willing to pick up where the game left off?

Fuck it. I am lucky to be alive. Forget the rest- only remember that I am lucky to be alive.

It’s a beautiful and intricate world we live in today.
-K