nisam mislio na to

Dear K-

You know I have been in those trenches. You know I have held the burden of loneliness and spent days, weeks, years trying to avoid the very real possibility that people like you and I might just be destined to be alone. We aren’t like those “people”. We’re our own sort. We can’t go to bars and pick up dates because our hard drives have not been formatted to function in such a process. I tried one time and came pretty close: I was lonely and lacking self-respect so I went out to the bars and found a reasonable guy who seemed friendly enough and willing to engage in conversation and dancing. Towards the end of the evening, I could tell he was the other type of “people”. He leaned in close and whispered terrible things in my ear as I swayed back and forth between his hands in a drunken rhythm to the pop music blaring throughout the bar.

I thought to myself that I could be “people”, that this is what society told us was how people met and interacted in the dim hours of the evening. At that moment I wanted to be “people”, and I submitted to his advances and let him kiss me on the lips. All in all, it probably lasted about a minute. When his lips touched mine all I could taste was emptiness. It felt bitter and cold and it terrified me. I pulled away and excused myself, stumbling away awkwardly across the dance floor. I left immediately and drove home. The rest of the night was spent in agony; I felt cheap and ashamed of how I had acted, but also still struggling with the horrible acknowledgement that I may remain alone.

Since I have been there, perhaps am still there some days, I’d like to think I can relate to what you are going through. That being said, I know the last thing you want to hear at this point is all the standard drivel and stock phrases that “people” offer out whenever they discover someone in this emotional state. It will get better- you’ll find someone. There’s definitely a girl out there for you. You are well loved by all your friends and family. We are here for you.

But I know that those phrases fall like a drop of water on hot white sand. They are meaningless. There’s nothing I can tell you to ease the gnawing emptiness. All I can offer is that I have encountered those demons quite frequently.

When I sort medical charts at clinic, I sometimes get depressed when I find a lone file of a surname. No other files to accompany it. I wonder if this person is alone…I wonder if some day there will only be one file of my surname resting on the shelf.

Of course, that’s not to say I’m longing to rush headfirst into anything just for the sake of avoiding being alone. If I had wanted to get married to stave off loneliness I could have been married 3 times by now based on the offers I’ve received. But it wasn’t love. If I had accepted those bids, I would have been living a life far more lonely than I would if I had chosen to remain alone. I think we both know we’re not talking about being with someone simply to be with someone. We’re talking about love. True, honest and unabashed love for another human being…something incredibly rare and often misunderstood these days.

Keep writing. It will bring a sense of productivity and some relief, if nothing else.

Keep breathing,
-K