a nice heart and a white suit

Dear k-

I am tired. I am restless. I have decided I need to make changes in my life. Things have become too stagnant. The person I currently am could be consciously improved. I drink too much. My workouts have become too routine and have lost their edge. My social life consists of the same four friends doing the same things every week without much variation. I am floundering hopelessly when it comes to dating. It’s time to decide to fish or cut bait, and I am cutting bait and swimming for shore.

It’s time I take control and make myself the person I want to be, rather than relying so consistently on the approval and acceptance of others in order to dictate my happiness. I went on three really good dates with a guy and now it’s like pulling teeth trying to set up a fourth date with him. He dodges and weaves through my suggested meet-ups like a prize boxer avoiding punches. I’ve spent a few days feeling low, but now I think that he’s the fool. If he’s trying to strategize to play hard to get, it’s backfiring. Why waste my time pursuing someone who is not so infatuated with me after three dates that he’s not willing to make time for me? I want someone who looks at me from across the room and thinks “that’s a woman who deserves a man who is willing to fight for her” and he is apt for the task. I want a man who actively looks forward to spending time with me. I don’t like feeling like something that needs to be penciled in a schedule, squished between other commitments and made to feel like I should be the one thankful he’s even giving me a few hours of his busy time.

Of course, I suppose I have possibly treated suitors in similar fashions at times. So maybe I shouldn’t be so surprised when the tables are turned on me. But then again, that’s another thing I need to improve. Another thing to add to the list of changes to enact.

Drink at least 8 glasses of water each day.
Start the day with hot lemon water. Optional: add mint.
Eat better. At least a salad a day. Be conscious of portions and late night snacking.
Sign up for a new workout class; try something outside my comfort zone.
Do something creative at least twice a week.
Limit alcoholic beverages to less than 10 per week. Preferably less than 5, so as to fit with most advice given by medical practitioners of the day.
Stop calculating self-worth based on the love of others.
Make attempts to elicit what truly makes me happy.
ADDITION: Be attentive to how you impact the feelings of potential suitors, both those you are interested in and those you don’t intend to pursue.

Here’s to hoping for something better to come.

Swimming,
-k