fragile symmetry

Dear K-

I get the sense that there is some vast expanse beside me, stretching out in the distance just waiting to be explored. I can feel it. Like a cool gasp on the back of my neck, refreshing and sweet. It feels so tempting, but my mind gives me pause. What cost, what cost? How long and how far would I have to go before I found peace?

Like a horse corralled in a field, I pace back and forth along the border longing to cross to the other side, to race off into the empty fields and away from the familiarity and comforts of my pasture. Suddenly everything I know tastes bitter, foul, and I know deep down that I will never be satisfied until I get to taste the foreign lands just beyond my reach. I think my great-grandmother’s blood runs strong in my veins, the spice of the Slavic disposition gives me an unquenchable wanderlust that boils against everything I have been raised to seek out: status, stability, routine. The things that bring me comfort also frustrate me. I’m like a fickle child, unable to articulate what I want but constantly howling because nothing here can fill that undefinable void. It makes me feel ashamed to be so weak.

I’ll continue to pull at my tethers, continue to stare out the window thinking about futures, but the truth is I am getting old and eventually I will just have to come to terms with the bed I have made. Eventually there won’t be enough fight left in me, and I won’t be able to keep running. My legs will be broken and bruised from overuse and I’ll collapse in exhaustion, and I just hope and pray that wherever I lay I can find peace in that place, since more likely than not I will never get up again.

I hope you are doing well.

Warmly yours, as always,

-k

an embrace as salty as the ocean

Dear K-

I haven’t been feeling well lately. That’s not to necessarily say I’ve been sick, I just have been in a mood. I want to avoid everyone. I want to make things. I want to break things. I want to sit in the crisp fall air by myself and drink coffee and think about everything and nothing. I feel guilty, because rather than admitting this to friends I have simply told them I am sick. Why aren’t you answering your phone? I don’t feel well. It sounds much more reasonable than “I honestly just don’t want to talk to anyone, and actually the thought of interacting with you right now makes me grossly uncomfortable and unhappy”.

Sometimes you have to take risks in order to find peace. I think I’m going to apply for a new job. I’m most likely grossly underqualified and it’s likely they will laugh out loud when they see my resume, but fuck it. Why not? What have I got to lose anymore? I just know I can’t keep doing this same routine ad infinitum. I’d rather have a job that I’m excited about and that gives me challenges that I am actually eager to tackle. There is so much more that I am capable of than what I have been doing here lately. Someone just has to give me a chance.

I am trying not to get my hopes up.

Tell me about your day. I notice that you attempted to write something to me, but didn't finalize it and so it faded into the ether before I had a chance to consume it.

Assuredly yours,

-k