an embrace as salty as the ocean

Dear K-

I haven’t been feeling well lately. That’s not to necessarily say I’ve been sick, I just have been in a mood. I want to avoid everyone. I want to make things. I want to break things. I want to sit in the crisp fall air by myself and drink coffee and think about everything and nothing. I feel guilty, because rather than admitting this to friends I have simply told them I am sick. Why aren’t you answering your phone? I don’t feel well. It sounds much more reasonable than “I honestly just don’t want to talk to anyone, and actually the thought of interacting with you right now makes me grossly uncomfortable and unhappy”.

Sometimes you have to take risks in order to find peace. I think I’m going to apply for a new job. I’m most likely grossly underqualified and it’s likely they will laugh out loud when they see my resume, but fuck it. Why not? What have I got to lose anymore? I just know I can’t keep doing this same routine ad infinitum. I’d rather have a job that I’m excited about and that gives me challenges that I am actually eager to tackle. There is so much more that I am capable of than what I have been doing here lately. Someone just has to give me a chance.

I am trying not to get my hopes up.

Tell me about your day. I notice that you attempted to write something to me, but didn't finalize it and so it faded into the ether before I had a chance to consume it.

Assuredly yours,

-k