Dear K,

I'm in the place where all my roots are and I can feel my strength gathering. 2017 is going to be a year of the sap rising. I'm gonna come out of this town running faster and freer than I've ever been. I've got my head on straight, and my shoulders back, and I'm gonna run and laugh and spit into the wind just for the hell of it all. I'm gonna get in fights and break bones and bloody my nose. I feel blood rising up in me. I feel a fight rising up in me. I feel the joy of piss and vinegar. The devil got in me and I'm gonna beat him with hammer and tongs. I'm gonna grab that old son of a bitch and mash his face in, and I'm gonna have a hell of a time doing it.


Blood and guts to you and yours,

K

V92.59 Shopping mall as the place of occurrence of the external cause

Dear K-

I was a ghost. I was the wind. I worked endless hours and drank more cups of coffee than my stomach could handle. What do I have to show for it? Empty hands and some people who can see a little bit better than before. I hate the rush at the end of the year. It always takes me by surprise. It always drowns me out.

You know I would never abandon you. Sometimes I just don’t have the words. I am happy that you are moving. Your soul was never content in Chicago. I could hear it in your voice every time we spoke. I am not sure where you shall come to eventually rest, but I don’t think that city is what you need, what you deserve. At least at this time.

I spent the holiday alone. I had to work and my family all lives too far away. Some considerate friends offered to take me in so I wouldn’t have to be solitary, but you know what? I actually wanted to stay by myself. If I couldn’t be with my family, I didn’t really want to impede on another family. I would feel like a burden. Like they pitied me. I could not stand that feeling. I was content to sit at home by myself and read a book, drinking cup after cup of tea. It was actually a very nice holiday, all told. I hope yours was well enjoyed.

Let me know how the next few weeks of transition transpire for you. I wish you the best. I will try to find more words to share with you soon.

Ever yours,
-k

How To Sit Still In Very Cold Water

Dear K,

These are the instructions you need for sitting in cold water.

1. Take off your clothes, they're not going to help you. Your mind will trick you into thinking your clothes will help, will hold the heat inside somehow. The water's already in there, next to your skin. Your clothes will not help you.

2. Put your head under the water. The shock will force the air out from your lungs. This is important. You didn't need that breath anyway. Surface. Take another breath.

3. Put your head under the water again. Keep doing this.

4. Realize that you are the master of the cold. The cold is a trick. It is a dare. It makes you uncomfortable. It makes you feel weak and tired. Remember that you are not weak. Remember that you are not tired.

5. Stay awake. Stay moving. Stay strong and conquerous. You are the master of your body. It does what you want when you want it. Remember this. Hold your hand to the ice fire. Hold it in the water. Your ego will tell you that you are weak. That this is pain.  That this is not good. That we just can't do this anymore. That we have nothing left to give.

6. Eventually get out of the cold water.

7. Sit next to a fire. Or better yet get in hot water, like a hot springs or a hot tub or a hot bath.

8. Drink hot chocolate.

9. Laugh at how you didn't think you could sit in the cold water.

Yours,

K

Dear K,

I'm leaving Chicago. I'm headed back to Des Moines. I'm going to live in a friend's basement for a month or two, get back on me feet, financially and emotionally. I think I'm going to head west next. I'm gonna see where that sun keeps going every day. I'm gonna go as far as the ocean, but I might stop in the mountains for a while. I'm gonna breathe in some clean air. I'm gonna talk to God. I'm gonna learn to play the guitar. I'm going to grow my beard out and sit in full lotus on a high high peak and wait for the idiots to come to me. I'm going to swim in the Great Salt Lake and see how it tastes. I'm gonna float on my back and stare up at the blue. I'm going to buy a house so I can rent it out and live on the road. I'm going to build a van up from rust and ruin. I'm going to build a bicycle. I'm going to ride my bicycle from one ocean to another.

There's a lot of things I'm going to do. And I'm gonna keep on writing to you.

Don't Worry,
You'll Catch Up,

K

Dear K,

I'm fairly certain this is the most I've ever written you without being answered back. Don't feel bad. We're writing these letters to each other for the long haul. A little blip like this isn't going to mean anything forty years from now.

Anyways, I'm leaving Chicago and heading back to Des Moines. I got laid off at the start of November and I've been living off of my savings since. Unemployment is about to kick in, but that's not going to be enough to pay my rent and eat, let alone keep the power and internet on in my apartment.

Also I miss my friends.

I miss my little city.

I don't think I need to struggle and strive here. I can do that at home. I can do that with my friends.

I'm very thankful for my time here in Chicago. It was tough. It made me grow quite a bit. Mostly, it was lonely. It's not a welcoming town. There's just too many people for me to really feel like I could meet anybody or hang out with anybody. It takes an hour to get anywhere, and anyway, I get to head home.

So I'm headed to my little city by a little brown river.
I'm headed home at the start of winter.
If you see my lady love, tell her I miss her.

Your Friend and Ever Faithful Confidant,

K

Hell

Dear K,

I'm writing about things that scare me. Things that really scare me. I'm writing about things that make me cringe. I'm writing about the darkest things I can imagine, and the horrible part is I know these things happen. I know they happened.

I'm working on my novel. I'm pushing into dark waters. I'm pushing into the places where I should not go, where we all need to go, looking at things we need to look at, looking at real evil and you know what my life isn't so bad. I know my life isn't so bad, it's a little tough right now, I am in a very uncertain financial situation, I may have to move back to Des Moines and into a friends basement. But, my little troubles are nothing. I am a prince living in a pleasure garden compared to what is happening out there somewhere in the dark. Right now there is a man handing a child a knife and telling that child to cut the head off of another man with it. Right now there is very real hell, and we more than ever need to look at it, we need to look it in the face.

I'm losing sleep though. I read about children being eaten by children in Liberia today. I watched a man talk about it. Tomorrow I'm going to write inside the head of a man who teaches children to kill, teaches them to eat human flesh, and the horror of this is this man is not unwell in the normal ways. This man and these children are unwell in a way that you or I could have been. Then I'm going to write from inside the head of a Gulag prison guard. Then I'm going to write from inside the head of a doctor in the Japanese Imperial Army as he experiments on living human beings.

I am going to lose sleep. I am going to lose some weight. The sort of writing I'm going to do for the next couple of days, it's not pleasant. It is not joyful creation, but I think the story needs to be told. I think people need to know they could be these monsters. I think if I do this right. If I write well and true, then I will be doing the most good I can do with this story. It's a story about being yourself, and everyone else.


I'll see you on the other side,

K