the district sleeps alone tonight

Dear K-

I am glad the earth of your youth is empowering you. Don’t break too many bones, tiger. I know we all go through phases when we want to smash and destroy, when the energy inside us is boiling to the brim and we have to let out the steam lest we scald out our insides, but be careful. The sinews and cartilage are not as easy to mend as they once were, now that we are getting older. Be mindful and selective of which injuries you incur so as to keep yourself functional. Other than that, have fun! Get that devil what for!

Speaking of aging, in less than a week I slip into another year of life. Almost done with my third decade. I don’t feel like celebrating. But then again, I haven’t felt like celebrating much of anything in what feels like rather a long time. I’ve gotten paler over the winter. The weather has finally started to show its fangs and frost is nibbling at my flesh every time I go outdoors. We finally got some snow, although it’s nothing like the snows I remember from my childhood. It did feel good to go for a run in the early hours of the morning, through some forest trails covered in unmarred snow, not encountering a single other soul. There’s something satisfying about that. Something that is rare to find ever since I moved to the city. I love the city, but sometimes it just feels too crowded. Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts in the wilderness.

I’ve been drawing a bit more but I haven’t been writing. An old ex found the site I had been using to post my occasional musings, and he started encroaching on my quiet soil. He interprets everything I write to be about him somehow. He also fancies himself a better poet than me, and he used to remind me of that when we were dating. He always found a way to choke out my creative voice when I was with him, and even four years later he’s still finding ways to make me feel ill at ease. The few things I’ve written since his incursion have remained on their crumpled sheets folded on my nightstand. I hesitate to post them to anything for fear he will instantly try to attribute my words to something he’s done, something he’s influenced. In truth, they have nothing to do with him. I want to tell him: I never think of you. None of this is for you. But even so blunt a statement would most likely be re-interpreted and only better convince him of the opposite. So instead I’ll just stay silent. Radio silence.

At least the days are slowly starting to get longer.

-k