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Dear K-

I apologize for the radio silence. I’ve been in a weird place lately. I haven’t been myself, and that’s been eating me away for the last few weeks.

When I say “I haven’t been myself”, I don’t mean it in the usual sense in that I just haven’t been feeling well. I mean I have been prevented through various means and commitments from doing the normal bits of my life and routines that make me feel like myself. Over the last four weeks, the nights that I have had off and to myself I can count on one hand. I haven’t been able to go on my normal runs. Even my weekly grocery store trip has been disrupted.

I shouldn’t complain; it is no one’s fault but my own. I’ve stretched myself too thin. Too many social engagements. The tedious burden of the working day. A new boyfriend who gets nervous if I don’t devote a certain amount of time to him. I like him, and I like spending time with him, but when I haven’t had a night alone to myself in several weeks I start to feel like everything is a burden, even him. And I know that isn’t a good place to be. I tried to explain it once but it didn’t go over well. I don’t think I had the right words. I don’t know if I’ve ever really had to right words.

Tonight, I cancelled plans with my friends. I saw them last night. I have plans to see them tomorrow night. I love my friends and I love the time I spend with them, but I really just can’t do it right now. I needed a night off. I need a night to go home, strip down to nothing but my underwear and an old club basketball sweatshirt from college and lay on my couch, petting my dog and playing video games. I need a night where it is okay for me to sit in silence and not have to actively engage my mind in listening and responding.

I really knew I needed a night to myself when I believe I offended a friend earlier this week. She was actively talking to me, vomiting up story after story about work, and I felt my mind drifting to and fro, weaving in and out of her stream of verbal onslaught. I nodded occasionally and tried to appear engaged, but I’m sure my eyes gave me away. I felt dead. I felt numb. Although I wanted to listen out of politeness and respect, I couldn’t force my brain to give a damn. I think she caught on and I could feel the shift in her mood from that point on. She still kept talking, but when I started to fade out and then return to focus, I’d meet her expression of exasperation and disappointment that I wasn’t providing the reception she demanded. It made me feel like I wasn’t a good friend. Similar to how I feel when I have to explain to my boyfriend how I love him but I don’t want to spend time with him. It’s like I’m on the high wire and trying to manage a difficult balancing act, and the wind has just picked up and started to gust.

I’m going to try to handle it the best I can. I’m being more active about identifying sources for my discomfort and trying to manage the cause rather than just the symptoms.

I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you lately. But, to be honest, I really don’t seem to have been there for anyone, even myself. But I’m working on that.

Still faithfully yours in friendship,

-k