we exchanged helium because we're tired of ceilings

Dear K-

Fool, I will remember. I will remember it all. I couldn’t forget even if I tried, and I don’t want to. To think about the things that people will say about you once they have no motivation to please you with their words is certainly something I’ve thought about, as well. What would someone say about you knowing it would never get back to you? Would it be positive or negative? Would they sigh and lean back with a smile, their eyes glittering as they recall the fond times with you spent together? “Oh, he was such a character, really. Always up for a good time. Very sensitive, friendly disposition.” Or would they use more choice words to describe you? “Well, between you and me, he was kind-of a drunk. A sap on society. Meant well, but he was always just off in the clouds somewhere, never really making solid contributions to society.”

No one can blame you for wanting to be remembered positively when you are gone. We’d all like something to show for our brief time here, but unfortunately it’s never very easy. Even if we think we’ve made an impact on the lives of others, for how many generations will we be remembered? Will they tell their children of us, and then those children tell their children? How many years will our memory linger on? Once the acid rain has eroded to text off the front of our tombs, will they even know your name?

There is a graveyard near my house, an ancient affair with broken tombstones and a forgotten landscape. The tombstones have long been worn down to an unreadable state, and many have been fractured or relocated. No one knows where the bodies go anymore. No one knows who’s bones lie deep beneath the soil. And no one cares to find out.

As for insomnia, I can’t recall enjoying it. I always thought insomnia had a somewhat romantic, rugged appeal to it, as if it would fuel my writing and make me into a mysterious, provocative character. But it didn’t. Insomnia wore me down, made my days all blend into one fuzzy, dull march. I laid in bed at night thinking of the sleep that wouldn’t come, and when the alarm finally buzzed to prompt me to get up and ready for work I was almost relieved to have something to go do. But I missed sleep.

I like sleep. Things have the tendency to fall apart when I’m awake.

I run 5 kilometers a day now, and that helps me find slumber. It also makes me feel better about myself overall. I have always enjoyed running, and I like coasting about at my loping pace and observing all the people I pass as they go about their lives. When I listen to my i-pod as I run, it is as if I am setting the soundtrack to their lives, to my life. Of course, when I come home my legs feel heavy and my heart feels light, but I like that feeling. I like to feel like I’ve accomplished something.

I feel anxious here. I am eager to move again.

-K