sobriety up and left

Dear K-

He hasn’t kissed me since the day we met. I have an awful habit of pursuing those whom have no interest in me. Perhaps he doesn’t find me physically attractive, or perhaps I bore him. I’ve seen the way his eyes get dull when I try to tell a story or relate a facet of my life. He hardly spares a kind word my way beyond his usual ribbing. Why do I continue to waste my time and energy on unhealthy pursuits?

I have no reason to be so melancholy about such frivolous affairs. My mother writes to tell me that an old acquaintance has died. She pleads with me to come home to attend the funeral, but I can’t bring myself to leave this city. I spend the afternoon alone in my apartment, drinking whiskey and wondering what keeps me here. Is it the possibility that he may call, may suddenly change his ways and invite me out with him? Or am I simply avoiding the depressing task of having to confront mortality. Memento mori. Once they told me I had two weeks to live. Sometimes I am reminded of that fact when I feel my heart go faint in my chest.

So why am I still here, drinking manhattans by myself in a lonely apartment and waiting? I shake like a willow whenever I hear my phone ring. Every year seems to end the same way- with a buildup of hopes and wishes for my social life to succeed, and then every year it comes crashing down like the ball in Times Square. I have yet to have a “good” New Years Eve. For 2012 I am not holding my breath.

I am going to leave tomorrow.

-K