anxiety is cheap

Dear K-

Concentration is far from consistent. It has been a week now and still my thoughts drag in the turbulent eddies of last weekend. There is no shaking the sense of loss. I live in a big, empty apartment that echoes loneliness at every foot fall. It seems I can’t even sit to attempt to work or study without my mind drifting to try to fill those hollow spaces with some memory of him or a dream of what could have been. I try to keep my lips firm and appear to the public unscathed. Today is has rained all day, but it is fitting with my mood so I don’t mind it.

I hope you are doing well. Your life is full of opportunities galloping before you, fluttering and glittering with such excitement. I am happy to hear of your potential and the fact that you are progressing forward. When you make the big move, you should call me to tell me how it all goes. Moving to a new city and into a new life can be terrifically thrilling. I wish you all the best.

I haven’t heard much in terms of my emotional progress. Just a gentle plea to be patient and a vague reassurance that all will be well. I want it to be well, I do. But the insecure, vulnerable vein, a marring flaw of my character, insists that this all can only lead to disappointment. How long does one wait for an answer before the realization sinks it that the answer may never arrive? It has only been a week…but it feels like an eternity on this weary heart. I think I’ve lost weight, if nothing else. The stress provides a terrific diet regime.

Hopefully, if he does return, he will recognize his love. She’s grown pale and thin and dyed her hair to match the blood that still flows sluggishly in her arteries. Will he be able to accept this skeleton once more? Or will he see the damage and flee?

Laugh for me.
-K