west coast mind with an east coast mentality

Dear K-

You’ve forgotten your old friend again, it seems. I will continue to write, even if you aren’t actively writing back. It’s hard to say whether it is because I hold the hopes that eventually you will remember our correspondence and grace me with your witty replies, or if it is because I sometimes treat our correspondence more as a diary than a proper interaction. Perhaps it is simply because I don’t want to let go of what once was.

I am restless again. I wonder how much of my life will be spent trying to scheme ways to move back to Eastern Europe. And then if I ever accomplish that goal, will I finally be happy? Or will I start to miss the things I abandoned? Will the sacrifices I make to fulfill my desire be too dear?

I suppose I really shouldn’t be complaining, shouldn’t be sighing and looking across the ocean and thinking how nice it would be to be somewhere else. In fact, this is probably the most stable my life has been in the past 10 years. I have a steady source of employment (even if I hate it a bit), and I am making enough money to be fairly comfortable. I have a regular group of friends who I see at least weekly. Sometimes we go to events in the city together. But maybe that’s why I am getting so anxious. For the first time in my life, I don’t have any big change or anticipated shift in store for my future. From here on out all I see is the same old, same old, and it unnerves me. What do I look forward to? Is this really where I want to be? I am comfortable, but I’m not content.

What brought about this renewed agitation? Hard to say. Could be the recent return of warmer weather. Could also be the fact that I spent the weekend in Nashville with 8 other girls celebrating a hen night. It was the first time in my life I have done anything like that. It was actually a much more enjoyable experience than I had originally anticipated, but it left me questioning my current situation in life. I still can’t exactly put my finger on the reason why. I’ll continue to thumb through the index cards of my cortex and let you know if I come up with any answers.

I hope you are well. I hope you are managing to make it through each day appreciating the little things that bring us joy. I hope you haven’t felt the pain that comes with talking to B, or feeling her tug at your heartstrings as if they were threads of gossamer floss, ready to snap at any instant. I hope you are drinking martinis with friends and laughing that big, hearty chortle I remember. You know, the one that brings a smile to my lips without fail, because it is such an honest reaction. I don’t know if you could fake it if you tried.

I hope you are keeping your head above water.

Still treading,
-k