calm, as if absent

dear K- i want to make it easier for you. i want to lift the weights and let my spine crack like a wine glass if that's the force required to do so, the strength necessary to be certain you are well. i cannot bear to see you be in pain. you deserve happiness. of course, sometimes i wonder whether we "deserve" anything. what sort of unspoken promises were made to us when we were young to make us feel entitled to happiness and self-assurance? if we live relatively tolerant lives, are we truly guaranteed the contentment of a satisfying existence? perhaps some of us were born to suffer...born to be the artists and the creatives. micheaux has a fantastic line about how we weren't all born to open windows...some of us were born to suffocate. it is just how these things progress, i suppose. so of course our lives aren't simple and bland...we'd have no reason to write, no reason to live if there wasn't some unpredictability and excitement (even when negative). people are falling in love with me and i don't know what to do. today i spent the entire day indoors, thinking to myself. sipped tea at the kitchen table staring at the wood grain. laid in bed and studied the water-stain continents of the ceiling. tomorrow will be different. -k