la vieille ferme

Dear K-

Dreams can rattle our bones like a gust shakes and clatters barren branches in the heart of winter. They are not always taken lightly and it’s those like your courthouse melodrama that leave us questioning in the daytime. Did it have meaning? Would I kill someone if it meant benefit/safety for several other souls? Who would stay by my side if I were to be labeled a murderer? What did I eat for dinner that let such a sour act to unfold in my subconscious?

You were right to leave that girl. If she wasn’t willing to pay you heed then she wasn’t worth the time. She wasn’t even worth the lousy cigarette. You deserve better, and I hope you can find it. I want you to find the sweet soul who will drip viscous tears like sticky grappa when she finds you in pain, in torment. The girl with a plain country mouth that will truly smile only for you- every other grin is just for show, just for the audience…but when she looks at you it will be genuine, just like everything else about her when she’s by your side.

My emotions have not changed since our last correspondence. My heart is held captive…but I have no desire to break free. It’s a unique phenomenon…when you fall in love, all the other suitors seem to crawl out from the shadows and begin making their presence known again. It is as if they can smell your happiness, see the glow in your cheeks and hear the tempo of your heart. They try to tell you they love you, or they try to slip you their phone number from behind the coffee counter, or they serenade you while on the job. It is as if they are inexplicably attracted now that you are unobtainable.

And I am unobtainable. For the first time in my life I have no problem turning those gentlemen callers away…I don’t even look at them and think of potentials. I have no interest in such games or scenarios. Instead, I laugh to myself and think “my, won’t this make a funny story to tell Aleks later…”

My thoughts are always of him. It’s getting to be embarrassing. But I don’t want it to stop.
-K