Dear K,

It's me again. I couldn't wait for you to write back. I'm listening to her. I've got this handy little device that will let me fill my head and heart with pain whenever I want. It is better than a bottle of whiskey.
It's a little like a radio, but it only plays the three songs she has posted online, and I listen to the one she wrote about me where she said she needs my kisses up and down her arms, and I am lost. I am in a labyrinth of self-torment and regrets. I went to my therapist today, and I told her more about my relationship with B. My therapist and I realized as we talked that I wouldn't say anything purely from my perspective. I wouldn't say I saw this or I felt that, but I would say my friends and family said this and thought that. Where did I lose myself? When did I lose myself? Did I ever have one? Somewhere along the way everything became so unsteady in my head. If you told me east was north long enough I'm sure I would believe you. I sometimes feel like I'm living in a nightmare. A very sinister nightmare and the horrifying twist is that it is real life, and I won't wake up in it, I'll just keep sleeping through it, and nothing that I do will ever matter. Just grease sliding down a pan, or snow melting in a parking lot. I guess we'll only find out if happiness comes to us in the end. How do I make it better? How do I make it better? How do I make myself better? I want to be Superman, but all I am is a little scared kid in a towel.

That was all negative and I'm trying to be positive. Start with gratitude. I'm thankful for myself. I'm thankful for this shell to walk around the world in. I am thankful that I like to smile, and hug, and kiss, and brush hair away from eyes, and wink, and hold hands, and give back rubs. I am thankful for the people around me, and I am thankful for the opportunity to practice compassion. Every day I can get better. Every day the slate is clean, and thank god I can practice my mandalas again. I am thankful for my friends and my family. I am thankful that I can pour my youthful angsty heart out to you. I am thankful for you my friend. I am thankful for life. I am thankful for the sun and the moon and the waves and punk rock. I am thankful for Jazz and sunsets and porch swings and the taste of my blood. I am thankful for hot ovens and mediocre showers and long long long bicycle rides. I am thankful for cigarettes and cheap wine. I am thankful for salads and Japanese noodles. I am thankful for women and their curves and smiles and softness and scents and loving hands. I am thankful for my little curve of the rainbow of time. I get to see so many marvelous things.

I feel better now.

Goodnight, all my hopes and prayers,

K.