Dear K,
I hope this day finds you well. I've been getting into the hippier side of thinking about things lately. Winter is powerful isn't it? Even if it's not cold, it's a time of darkness and struggle and strife. It is a time of fasting, for the soul and the mind. It is a cleansing time. We just had the winter soulstice, the darkest time of year for us in the northern hemisphere. We are passing through the shadow, and this is a time where we can easily sort through what we want to lose and what we want to keep. I'm sorting through all the parts of myself that I want to lose and what I want to keep.
I talked to B last night, and the night before. I'm in a strange place. I love her so very much. I love her desperately. Simultaneously, I know I don't want to be in a relationship with her. Or at least not in the relationship that we were in. We just want such different things. We're very different people that want so desperately to convince the other of our way of thinking, and we're not in a relationship. I saw to that. I think in the long run it will be for the best, but fuck it hurts.
I'm never happier than when I'm in pain though. I need a boulder to roll up the hill.
Lots of religions say that life is suffering.
I love suffering, it makes me feel alive.
May your suffering be sweet,
K
Merry Christmas
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