an adventure from a work in progress

Dear K-

I have been ensnared. Utterly and completely. It is embarrassing, sitting here in the dying light of a summer evening and finding my thoughts continually drifting to him. I'm not sure what I expected. I guess I figured I would be more composed, more restrained, more careful this time. To tread the forest with a light step and always at attention...but I let my guard down and I let him catch me. And now I don't know what to do. I've lost my appetite. I haven't been able to concentrate all day. When I think of him I can't help but smile inwardly. And yet it makes me so nervous. I'm an anxious wreck.

Today at class, while sparring, my instructor kept telling me to relax. He tells me I'm too tense. I don't really understand how one isn't supposed to be tense while someone is throwing punches at you, but I suppose it is something I must learn. It is an order I've received frequently throughout my life: relax. I'm always on edge. Always at attention, expecting the worst. Always ready with the counter. Whenever I enter a room, I immediately note the exits and any suspicious characters that I think I would have trouble beating if things became rough. I don't know why I do that. I sound like some terrible dime store detective novel. But it's true. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I think that's why I feel so uncomfortable with the thought of falling in love. I feel out of control. But it's beautiful, so a part of me doesn't want to do anything to regain command. But every hard wired circuit in my body is screaming in warning.

Eventually, the appetite will return. The novel will fade into the mundane. But I hope the fire he sparks might burn brightly for at least a little while before he tires of me.

Falling,
-k