the struggle of memory against forgetting

Dear K-

I am sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. The insomnia is back and I have been trying to fight it, as best I can, through tiny measures. One measure is to hide my phone away at night. I make it lie quiet and dormant, not to make a peep until it is time for me to arise. Sometimes it helps to disconnect yourself. Sometimes it feels good to unplug yourself from the stress of responsibility. My phone has been making me anxious. The introverted insomniac of my youth is making a special guest appearance in this month's episode of my life. Every time my cell phone flashes I worry it is someone I don’t want to talk to or someone I don’t have the energy to converse with. It makes me feel guilty.

Keep working on the novel. Don’t lose hope. Stop trying to assign an unknown future to it. Are you writing it for a specific endgame? Is it going to be the work that wins you a Nobel Prize? Is it going to be the creation that makes you the world’s next literary darling, and they’ll add you to all the high school curriculums so millions of sulky teenagers can flip through your pages with indifference? These goals are too lofty for this moment. When I run, I don’t look off into the distance towards the eventual finish line. It’s too far away…sometimes I can’t even see it. The thought of that distance makes me miserable and exhausted. Instead, I focus a few feet ahead of me. A quickly evolving target. Easily attainable. It also lets me run in the present moment, prepare for the steps ahead of me and avoid any potential pitfalls or trip-ups. You need to do the same with your novel. Don’t get weary trying to strain to see the finish line. It may still be quite a ways away. Concentrate a few paces ahead, and work towards that. Repeat, repeat, repeat. You’ll get to the end, eventually. And then we can celebrate as the New York Times puts you on some list.

I bought myself a new blazer yesterday. I also punched a sparring bag until my knuckles broke open and bled. Sometimes the simple things in life can bring a dose of unexpected pleasure.

Enjoy the breeze,

-k